Why You Might Be the Reason Your Divorce Isn’t Settled

On the podcast titled “Why You Might Be the Reason Your Divorce Isn’t Settled”, Family Law Lawyers Angela Princewill and Sherine Abdi explored the factors that can hinder the divorce settlement process. They highlighted six self-reflective areas for clients to consider, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging hard truths rather than attributing blame to external circumstances. The discussion covered unrealistic expectations, difficulty in letting go of past grievances, poor communication, avoidance of necessary decisions, fixation on minor issues, and undue influence from others. The hosts encouraged listeners to adopt a mindset of compromise and prioritize effective communication, emotional processing, and personal values to facilitate a smoother settlement journey.

They encouraged self-reflection on expectations, seeking therapeutic support, improving communication with ex-partners, making timely decisions, focusing on broader objectives, and being conscious of external influences.

📌 Introduction

• Angela Princewill and Sherine Abdi, both family law lawyers, discuss why clients might be the reason their divorce isn’t settling.
• They outline six factors for self-reflection that could help speed up the settlement process.
• The focus is on hard truths that clients need to hear rather than blaming external factors.

­⚡ Unrealistic Expectations

• First reason: having unrealistic expectations about outcomes.
• People often don’t realize their expectations are unreasonable.
• Settlement requires compromise and not being tied to specific outcomes.
• Creative solutions can help achieve similar results through different approaches.
• Focus on underlying interests rather than rigid positions.

📄 Holding On To the Past,

• Second reason: inability to let go of past anger and resentment.
• Examples include lingering feelings about infidelity or mistreatment during the relationship.
• Desire for revenge prevents reaching good outcomes.
• Using divorce proceedings to hurt the other party stalls the settlement.
• Therapeutic interventions and outside resources can help process these emotions.

🔹 Poor Communication

• Third reason: refusing to speak to the other side or communicating inappropriately.
• Text messages often reveal shocking levels of rudeness or hostility.
• Subtle anger, narcissism, or deliberate triggering language causes the other party to ‘dig in their heels’.
• Focus on clear objectives rather than accusations.
• Legal advice can help guide effective communication strategies.

✔ Avoiding Decisions

• Fourth reason: procrastination and avoiding making necessary decisions.
• Not responding to settlement offers or proposals keeps the process stalled.
• It may stem from difficulty accepting that the relationship is over.
• Therapy can help overcome this coping strategy.
• Divorce can be worse than losing a loved one for many people, making avoidance tempting.

📢 Missing the Big Picture

• Fifth reason: focusing on winning small battles instead of resolving the whole conflict.
• Examples include fixating on minor issues (like forgotten children’s items) rather than building a co-parenting relationship.
• Let go of small matters to focus on larger objectives.
• Address patterns of behaviour rather than one-off incidents.

📝 External Influences

• Sixth reason: allowing others to unduly influence your decisions.
• Support people (new partners, parents, friends) often become impediments to settlement.
• Even well-intentioned advice can lead clients away from what they truly want.
• Advice from loved ones comes from a place of love but may not be what’s best for you.
• Make decisions based on your own values and priorities, not external pressure.

What you can do to ensure that you are not the reason your divorce isn’t settled

• Self-reflect on whether you have unrealistic expectations about divorce outcomes
• Consider seeking therapeutic support if holding onto past anger or resentment
• Review your communication style with your ex-partner for possible improvement
• Make decisions promptly rather than avoiding them to speed up the settlement
• Focus on prioritizing the big picture over winning small conflicts
• Be mindful of how others may be influencing your divorce decisions